On my mind

I have alot of things on my mind today.

My grandmother passed away a few days ago. We were sad, but happy for her...that she is no longer in pain and is now with my papaw...the love of her life. She was in advanced alzeimer's, so she didn't know any of us, but it's still sad. And today my uncle, who was recently diagnosed with cancer, is having emergency surgery in the morning. A life threatening surgery. He has 3 children, my cousins who I grew up with. It will be devastating if we lose him. He was second in command at NASA until her retired....we're very proud of all his accomplishments in the field of science. So, my family is heading to Florida to be with him during his surgery. And today, a fellow blogger friend, got her referral from Russia and I had a pang of jealousy.....mmmm.....not really jealously, more like my patience is waning. I know girls take double and triple the time.....I'm just ready to get her home. I just kindof had the blues today....there is all this suffering in the world and not so much we can do about it. My child is alive and breathing...and suffering...and bureaucracy and red tape are prolonging her suffering. But, I must wait.

So, I've been thinking alot about parenting too. It is going to be a challenge raising a well-adjusted, happy, appreciative, kind child in the world today. Hard to raise a good sport, a good friend, a good soul. I have seen first hand how a parent's actions are quickly absorbed and integrated into their children.....good and bad. I want to set not just a good example, but a great, fine example. I see lots of good examples around me and alot of bad ones. I want to be a good one.

My Region

My daughter will come from one of these three regions:
1) Krasnoyarsk
2) Yaroslavl
3) Vladimir

She is not in Siberia, which I thought was going to be a possibility. The thought of flying into a Siberian airport in the dead of Russian winter was daunting.
UPDATE - Krasnoyarsk is in Siberia, so did I say daunting? I meant dauntless!!

My agency called today to cover a travel checklist. The cost of travel is ungodly!!!! I have saved about half of what I need and thought that would be plenty. And it looks like I'm about out of time to save. So, I'm going to be doing some fundraising for my travel. My friends are talking about a community garage sale and fish fry. Anyway, I'm stressed now because of the travel costs. I know I can max out credit cards to pay for it and my parents will help, but I have a migraine now.

If my child is in Vladimir, 4 - FOUR - trips are required to Russia. It's a great region though and I won't have a choice unless I take my paperwork out of that region, which I don't want to do. But traveling to Russia four times is freaking me out. Just to give you an idea.

Airfare - $2ooo
Moscow Hotel - $3oo to $5oo per night (at least two nights stay)
In-Region Hotel - $100 - $150 per night

First Trip - 3 to 7 days
Second Trip - 14 days
Third Trip - 14 days
Fourth Trip (if in Vlad) - unknown

There is a 10 day court date period between trip 2 and 3. If I can visit my baby in the orphanage during that wait, I will stay in Russia for those 10 days and not return (combining 2nd and 3rd trips).

So tonight, I'm googling my regions and talking to my friends about organizing fundraisers.

I have a headache.

Points to Ponder

Not much to tell, but my agency called to schedule a time to talk about the Russian Travel Check List. So, that sounds like....something. I think they are just checking on me to make sure I'm not freaking out. I'm not, but alot of parents waiting to adopt are. There are all these yahoo groups and websites dedicated to Russian adoption and they can sometimes stress you out. I've read about some really tragic journeys. So, I just check them out from time to time, but don't get too involved.

Anyway, I've been talking to mother's about raising children, reading lots and lots of books, and speaking with my international adoption pediatrician. Bringing home your newborn child from the hospital and bringing home your newly internationally adopted baby are hardly the same. Parenting institutionalized children is differnt from parenting a baby you've bonded with since they came into this world. Here are some things I've been thinking on:

1) Where will baby sleep when she gets home. It's been suggested that I put the crib in my bedroom or co-sleep with my baby because she will be used to sleeping with lots of people around. Putting her in a room by herself will stress her out. If she wakes in the middle of the night and can't see me, she may think she's been abandoned again.

2) Picking out a stroller isn't as easy as it may seem. I need one that will have my daughter facing me for a while.... because she may be afraid to be pushed first into a world she has never experienced....hotels, airports, restaurants, walks in the park, etc. She needs to see me. They don't make many strollers like that for older babies.

3) My daughter may eat like a linebacker when she gets home. Food is at a premium in orphanages. When internationally adopted children come to their new homes, they may eat everything in sight or they may grab that box of Twinkies in the cabinet and hide it in their cribs or pockets. My docs say to let her hoard or overeat and not stop her.....unless she is making herself sick. Eventually, she will realize that she will be fed on a regular basis.

4) Bouncy seats and walkers are not good ideas because babies are put in these contraptions all day long in orphanages. A friends child who came to her from Korea has permanent marks on her body from being hung in a walker that was too big for her for days on end. My baby will probably be self rocking anyway....no need to encourage this self-soothing. She needs human contact.

Lots and lots to think about........

Procedures

Ok. There is nothing as heart stopping as when your adoption agency calls and says "Russia has changed it's procedures". For a few short moments I was screaming on the inside. It was no big deal actually. Thought I was going to have to sign a few new documents, but she called back and said "Great news, just talked to Russia and you don't have to submit those documents". Whew. The "Great News" to me is that someone in Russia is looking at my files!! Woot Woot. I know I'm registered in several different regions, but she did mention Krasnodar. So guess what I'll be googling tonight!!!

I know it's too early for getting THE phone call, but anytime the caller ID says my adoption agency is calling, the world stops around me.

Frances

I got the fabric swatches in today for the baby bedding below. It's really pretty. I love the paisley matched with the pink stripe and lavender dotted sheets. I really love it. It's expensive though and the princess will outgrow it before long, so I have to decide if I want to spend alot of money on baby bedding that will have to be changed to little girl decor in a few years....if that long. So, I'm going to heed my mother's advice and go to the Play Pen and Babies R Us and look at their bedding....which is 10 times cheaper. But since I've waited 40 years to have a baby, I might just splurge now and learn to conserve later. One way or the other, I will have a nursery set up before Christmas.

I've also been picking out potential names for my little one. I have a few in mind, but want to meet her first to make a final decision. It's important to remember that she will already have a name and I may want to keep it or use it as a middle name. If it's Alexandria or Mika or Dasha, I might keep it. If it's Svetlana or Olga or Vera, I might use it as a middle name or I might not use it at all.....depends. Little Mika or Svetlana will grow up one day and might be ticked off at her mama for changing her name. It's alot to consider.

I have a story I want to post before I actually get the referral with baby girl and name attached. As I've told you I always knew I would be a mother and always knew I would adopt. Many years ago, I had a dream. I still recall it to this day. I dreamt I had a little baby girl named Frances. Now, I'm not especially fond of that name and I know noone named Frances. I have no idea where that name came from, but the dream was very specific. If I get a referral of a little girl named Frances, I'm going to flippin freak out. Not a very Russian name, so highly unlikely, but still......I've been waiting for my Frances for a long time.

Baby Bedding

Can I tell you how many hours I've spent on the internet looking at baby bedding....imagine picking a kindergarten!! Ahhh.

I'm just not the best decorator, so I think that' s why I can't make a decision. However, this is the one I'm leaning towards. My mom, of course, hates it. Ha. She's VERY fru fru. She doesn't like the paisley. I just don't want the room looking like Pepto Bismol exploded in it....or too much lace and flowers and frilly frilly. I like that, but in moderation. Anyway, I thought it was cute....expensive....but cute. We shall see. I'm headed to NYC in November. Maybe there's something at Sak's . Hmmmmm.

At any rate, I'm ready to set up the nursery. I don't want to be trying to order furniture and setting things up when the news comes for me to head to Russia. I'm still waiting by the way. No news AT ALL. There was a frenzy of paperwork and things to do for a year, then nothing to do but wait. I think I've read every baby book known to man. Well, this is becoming aimless chatter.......I'll post when there is any news.

It's Time....for a nursery

Still waiting......nothing to report. Although I stated earlier that the time is flying by, it doesn't seem to be doing so now. Days, hours, minutes are going by so slow right now. I want to call my agency and see if they can speed it up some....but I know that's not going to happen. I have to be patient.

So I know anything could happen. Russian/Georgian war, economy, change of leadership in the U.S. It's possible the adoption could fail, but I'm not going to live in that fear anymore.

I have not wanted to set up the babies room. What if something goes wrong. What if I paint the walls pink and there's no baby to enjoy it. Am I even allowed? I mean, I'm not gestating a baby. Am I truly a mother-to-be? It doesn't always feel like it. It's so unbelievable that this dream is about to come true. Am I worthy? Will I be a good mother? Am I doing this for her or for me? or for both of us? I have so much love for this child I've never met. This child that exists at this moment...somewhere. Is the connection by design or is it random?

It's more than the "nursery room", it's my first trimester. It's that stamp of validity that there is a baby coming home soon. Someone I am dedicating my life to.

Soon.....