Presenting....Sophie Alexandra

Court is over and I'm officially a Mama!! I hope to have this precious little one home by March 19th. She'll be a Southern Belle in no time!!

Court Appointment

I'm flying back to Russia on Wednesday for my COURT APPOINTMENT. Once this judge pounds her gavel, it will be official.

I want to say that I'm nervous because I've heard this judge is TOUGH. But, honestly, I'm not nervous at all. I'm preparing myself, but I'm just not apprehensive. I may change my mind once I'm standing in the court room though...haha. I just feel really peaceful and calm about it. I'm bringing my girl home and that little girl in the Siberian orphanage is MY girl. Let the courts and the judges say and do as they must. At the end of the journey that little girl will be in her very pink bedroom in Mississippi.

I'm finally feeling the end of the fantasy and the beginning of the reality. I'm so anxious to get her home and start helping her strengthen her body and mind and teach her all kinds of things. My nephew is also anxious to teach her some very unladylike things that I'm sure I will disapprove of.

I must say, today is the first time I've felt like this little girl is my daughter. I don't quite feel like a mother yet. Isn't it odd.....I think mothers who carry their babies inside of them for 9 months have that bond and connection earlier. That child is always with them. They get to feel the kicks and movements of the fetus. They start feeling like mothers right away. In the case of adoption, there is so much unknown and anything could happen until you are home with that child, there is something that keeps us from feeling like mothers. Self preservation maybe. We don't allow ourselves to become connected until the last minute and still then, there are people or circumstances that could end it all in the blink of an eye......the country could shut down, policitians could decide to change adoption procedures, judges could decline you, wars could break out, a Russian could decide to adopt the child, etc, etc. And it's not 9 months for us. It's more like 24 months.

The journey to this child has been so long and arduous, I'm certainly not going to mess it up. This girl is MY girl and I will do whatever it takes to get her home. Today is the first day I felt she will actually be here forever. I don't feel like a mother yet though. I don't feel worthy yet. Such as strange feeling.

This adoption feels really special. Is it because I've longed for this? Is it because I'm a woman of faith? Is it destiny? God's will? Were all the heartaches and sacrifices from both of us by design or by chance? Besides the purpose of loving and being loved, what will be the ultimate purpose of this little girl and our lives together. Is it simple or is it divine?

All I have to say is that my life from this point on will be devoted to this soul. Although I am not worthy, I will do everything within my power to provide for this child. I love her more than I thought it was capable to love. My heart is so full.

So, bring it on Your Honor. I'm ready.

Paperwork

My agency called today and ALL my paperwork is completed. Finally!!
Knock on wood!!

Meant for Me

* So, I can't show images of my girl until the adoption is final, so this is the closest I can give you at the moment!!

I travel back to Russia very soon for my second trip. There has been so much to do between Act I and Act II. I want to fuss about the paperwork for a second. It is just absolutely crazy. For example...it's not enough that I have been cleared by my city police department and the FBI and Homeland Security...and that I have been fingerprinted by the county and the federal government...no, they now want a letter from my State. Hello, does the MS State Dept have more info than the FBI?? And these documents aren't easy to come by. Not only are they out of the ordinary, but they want them NOW. Also, it's not enough to get a copy of my home deed with a signature and stamp of the county registrar.... they now want a written letter on government letterhead ...no, they want TWO originals with all that.....all during tax season. And those are just two examples of the mounds of paperwork and nearly impossible documentation they want. If it weren't for the help of good friends who know somebody who know somebody who will do what I need, I don't know how I'd get all they want. But I always approached every document with the attitude that my girl is counting on me. She can't do any of this. Heck, she doesn't even know that she's in a bad place. But at the end of MY day, I know that these documents MUST be obtained or the adoption won't go through. So, you make it happen. You go, you talk, you see, you ask, you beg and you get it done....because there is some little soul out there counting on you. Over the past few weeks, I have come to the realization that I am living for someone else now. I've had my fun, my career, my life lived for really only me. I admire women who can do this in their 20s. I must be a late bloomer cause although I've wanted this for a long time, now is the moment that it is truth in being.

I was listening to a Jewel CD the other day. I heard these lines...."you were meant for me, and I was meant for you". I've heard them a thousand times as Jewel is one of my favorite artists. But today they had new meaning.

I often hear people say "we were meant for each other". In the adoption world I hear "God meant this child for us". I believe in God. I believe he knows our path. He knows it before we do. I believe we have free will. I don't think we are puppets in God's world doing everything that he has planned for us. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we pick the wrong path. Sometimes we grab on to something and call it "God's Will" when it probably isn't. Even though He KNOWS what we are going to do, He isn't a puppetmaster. What would be the point in creation really if that were the case?

I'm not a woman who had tried for years and years to have a child to only find out I'm infertile or that my husband has a low sperm count. I could birth a baby.....of course I'm getting older now, so those days are slipping by. Someone asked me once why I didn't just HAVE a baby instead of adopt. I didn't really have an answer. I chalked it up to religion and parent's expectations. But that question has stuck with me for a long, long time. Since I first started an adoption process nearly 5 years ago. All I can say is that it is a path that was once just a weedy, stony trail that is now a well worn path. THIS child stands before me and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was meant for HER. Sure, you can write it off as a chance placement. That the orphanage director matched a child with a dossier of an adoptive parent, but it's much more than that to me. I had the "free will" to decline this child. To side-step the fear. But I was meant for her. I know that. And one day....once all this paperwork and bureaucracy is over, I will know that she was meant for me.....and I couldn't have handled all this in my 20s. That's why the wait....the answer to so many of the "whys" in my life.

I'm meant for her because I can love her, provide for her, feed her, heal her (through the help of doctors, dentists, etc), help her, stand behind her, stand up for her, etc, etc, etc...the list goes on.

This child is mine and I will always be on her side. She was meant for me, and I was meant for her.