Court Appointment

I'm flying back to Russia on Wednesday for my COURT APPOINTMENT. Once this judge pounds her gavel, it will be official.

I want to say that I'm nervous because I've heard this judge is TOUGH. But, honestly, I'm not nervous at all. I'm preparing myself, but I'm just not apprehensive. I may change my mind once I'm standing in the court room though...haha. I just feel really peaceful and calm about it. I'm bringing my girl home and that little girl in the Siberian orphanage is MY girl. Let the courts and the judges say and do as they must. At the end of the journey that little girl will be in her very pink bedroom in Mississippi.

I'm finally feeling the end of the fantasy and the beginning of the reality. I'm so anxious to get her home and start helping her strengthen her body and mind and teach her all kinds of things. My nephew is also anxious to teach her some very unladylike things that I'm sure I will disapprove of.

I must say, today is the first time I've felt like this little girl is my daughter. I don't quite feel like a mother yet. Isn't it odd.....I think mothers who carry their babies inside of them for 9 months have that bond and connection earlier. That child is always with them. They get to feel the kicks and movements of the fetus. They start feeling like mothers right away. In the case of adoption, there is so much unknown and anything could happen until you are home with that child, there is something that keeps us from feeling like mothers. Self preservation maybe. We don't allow ourselves to become connected until the last minute and still then, there are people or circumstances that could end it all in the blink of an eye......the country could shut down, policitians could decide to change adoption procedures, judges could decline you, wars could break out, a Russian could decide to adopt the child, etc, etc. And it's not 9 months for us. It's more like 24 months.

The journey to this child has been so long and arduous, I'm certainly not going to mess it up. This girl is MY girl and I will do whatever it takes to get her home. Today is the first day I felt she will actually be here forever. I don't feel like a mother yet though. I don't feel worthy yet. Such as strange feeling.

This adoption feels really special. Is it because I've longed for this? Is it because I'm a woman of faith? Is it destiny? God's will? Were all the heartaches and sacrifices from both of us by design or by chance? Besides the purpose of loving and being loved, what will be the ultimate purpose of this little girl and our lives together. Is it simple or is it divine?

All I have to say is that my life from this point on will be devoted to this soul. Although I am not worthy, I will do everything within my power to provide for this child. I love her more than I thought it was capable to love. My heart is so full.

So, bring it on Your Honor. I'm ready.