Thumbs Up

I got the THUMBS UP from my girl!!!

I've just returned from trip one and have fallen in love. Trip one was a piece of cake. The plane ride was too long and the play time with my girl was too short. But by the end of the week, papers were signed and she became mine. Now we just need to make it official. I am back home now and waiting for my court date. They told me it would probably be in March, but I won't know for sure until they call me. In the meantime, I have some more paperwork to do and I must finish setting up house. It's mostly done, but now I can buy clothes and diapers and all kinds of fun stuff. It won't be long until she is here. I can't wait. Her second birthday is in June, so I'll be planning a big bash.

There is lots to document, so I'll start with the visit to the orphanage. It was about what I expected, but after I left, I felt scared as hell. I didn't talk the entire ride back to the hotel (2 hour drive). My mind was racing and just trying to wrap my head around everything. I think her state of health scared me alot and just knowing how much work we have ahead of us. And the fear of the unknown. What problems does/will she really have. How much will be erased with some good lovin and some good cookin? What long term problems will she have from poor then no parental care, from the institutional living, from neglect, from abuse?

The orphanage itself was old, but clean. The caregivers seemed nice enough, but I didn't get the picture she or any of the kids were getting much one on one attention. In reality, their basic needs are met and not much more than that. There has been no rocking to sleep, noone singing to her or reading to her, noone helping her learn to walk and talk. She is not talking and not walking. She is very tiny. Way smaller than she should be for her age. The malnutrition is very obvious. I think they feed them what they can, but the village she lives in is very poor and I doubt they get much government help beyond the bare essentials.

In spite of all this, she was able to play, laugh, smile, whine and cry and cuddle with me. I was able to calm her down when crying with her caregiver standing right beside me. They were saying "good" in Russian. Indicating with some surprise that she was staying with me and calming down. So, I think she liked me.

She loved the stacking toys, a ball, a plastic tamborine and anything she could chew on or put in her mouth. She seemed to have no interest in dolls or the book I brought. I brought too many toys, I know that. I think she didn't know what to play with for a little while.

Her feet were really ticklish and she laughed alot when I blew on her face. She rubbed her eyes and sucked her thumb when she got tired. She did some of the self-soothing rocking when she was bored or stressed. She loved looking at herself in the mirror. She didn't like to lay down in my arms, but did like to be held....just up where she could see everything. She didn't like my dad at first, but after 2 hours, she finally sat in his lap and stared him down.

It was a really good day, but there were so many health issues that scared me. Talking to the doctor in Russia and listening to my IA doctor at home tell me to ignore stuff and what certain risks were, it was just so scary. So, on the way home while my mind was racing and thinking of all the what ifs, I tried to figure out what would make up my mind for me. So I ran thru lists of things, thought of scenarios of the future, etc. Nothing really seemed to help. Then I had an epiphany. I had my notebook that I was keeping all my notes in. I thought of this great idea and I began to write.

I wrote myself a letter from my daughter. I wrote as if my girl were a cognitive thinking adult who knew the situation she was in and was aware of all the pros and cons of international adoption. Not a "please adopt me" letter, but just an awareness letter that said...Hey P.A.P., I know this is scary, but .............

I'll have to post it here for you. It was a brilliant idea if I do say so myself. I think it should be an exercise all parents do before their baby arrives or before they put their signature on the dotted line. After I wrote it, it was a no-brainer. My mind was made up, come what may. I talked to my dad about it and expressed my concerns and fears and at the same time said I couldn't possibly leave her where she was regardless of her medical issues. So he said...."You came here to do this, so let's do it." I love my dad.

More Later.